


memory.

by starsandskies



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Dementia, Early onset dementia, M/M, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 06:52:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandskies/pseuds/starsandskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry loves Louis but Louis doesn't remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	memory.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I was trying to come up with something for my other stories. It's also on wattpad under the same name.  
> It's probably far-fetched but whatever.

Louis was thirty four years old when he was diagnosed. He held Harry's hand in the waiting room and held it even tighter in the doctor's office. He cried and apologised and even told Harry that he should find someone else who could remember. The curly haired man said nothing and just ran his hands through his partner's hair, telling him wordlessly that he wasn't going to go anywhere.

It was an ordinary Saturday morning and Harry sat on the side of the bed, glancing down at the sleeping man, whose hair was pushed to one side, his pink lips set in a peaceful line, his body curled up.

He reached out and gently caressed his cheek and the warmth from his skin travelled up the younger man's fingers and settled in the pit of his stomach. The older man stirred and Harry quickly removed his hand and stood up from the bed because he knew what could happen if he stayed.

He listened to Louis wake up, stretching and yawning softly, "morning," he spoke, his voice raspy.

A glimmer of worn out hope flickered in Harry's heart but he'd learnt to ignore that. The flame usually diminished when Louis carried on the conversation. He knew what would happen but every single time, his heart sank like the first time.

"Morning, Boobear." He spoke, swallowing hard and hoping he'd remember this time.

"Who's Boobear?" Louis asked innocently, chewing on his bottom lip.

Harry didn't want to complicate things and make him upset so he shook his head, "nobody."

He'd been calling him Boobear every day since he got diagnosed but there was nothing. Louis didn't even recognise the name.

Louis didn't say anything as he got out of bed quickly and rushed to the bathroom. After a while, Harry heard the toilet flush and the squeak of the tap as he turned it on. He smiled briefly as Louis remembered. He forgot to wash his hands yesterday so Harry had to march him back into the bathroom and wash them for him.

"What do you want to wear, Louis?" Harry asked as his boyfriend walked into the bedroom tentatively, his hands clasped together, a look of worry on his face.

Louis shrugged as he bit his bottom lip, a scared look in his eye.

"What's wrong, love?" The younger boy worried as he approached him, putting a hand on his arm but the older boy flinched.

"I don't know," Louis replied, looking away.

"That's okay, Lou. Shall we find you something to wear?" He nodded gingerly and Harry smiled, going into the wardrobe and pulling out a few items of clothing.

"I don't like that top." The older boy pointed out in a small voice, appearing to be very lost and confused.

"No?" Harry asked, holding up the faded printed t-shirt, frowning. "Used to be your favourite." But that was in a completely different lifetime.

He handed Louis a pair of jogging bottoms and a plain black t-shirt, turning around to allow him some privacy even if he had seen everything many times, before leading him downstairs to eat breakfast.

For Harry, mornings were the worst. Louis took some convincing some days to do the most simple of tasks like wear clothes or eat something but today, he just slid into the chair and helped himself to some toast and jam without any fuss. Harry let out a sigh of relief and sat next to his boyfriend, watching him cautiously.

Harry was now Louis' full time carer and it had been that way ever since Louis had been diagnosed with early onset dementia. It was a rare case since he was so young but not unheard of. In the beginning, he used to forget simple things like what day it was or once, their anniversary. He even blamed Harry for stealing something he'd lost. Nowadays, Louis was more confused and a few months ago, Harry had lost him in town. He'd never forget that feeling in his chest when he thought he'd never see him again. But he refused to put him in a home. Not his Louis.

It was hard but Harry was managing. Sure, he couldn't relax as he used to and he hadn't touched Louis like that for two years but it didn't matter because he loved him. He promised him that he would never leave him and he was sticking to that.

It didn't matter that Louis sometimes forgot to do things like turn the cooker off (the fire brigade almost got called that day and Louis wouldn't stop crying) or turn the taps off because he was still Harry's. The younger man knew that somewhere deep down Louis loved him back and even though the diagnosis happened two years ago, Harry still clung onto that bit of hope that Louis would wake up and remember.

"Harry?" Louis said suddenly, his blue eyes shining.

"Yeah?" Harry tried to remain calm but a grin broke out onto his face. This was unusual. Louis never acknowledged him by name; it was always a hover in doorways or a light tap on the shoulder. Most of the time, Harry was just there which meant that Louis didn't need to call for him.

"Where's Eleanor?"

Harry's smile faded and it took everything he had to remain calm. Stupidly, he had thought that that was it. He thought he was getting his Louis back. He stood up silently and he could feel blue eyes following him as he walked up to the sink, a few tears spilling over his eyes. "She went away, Lou. She went to live with her Mum."

Truthfully, he hadn't seen Eleanor for years! The last he heard was that she was married with two children, her relationship with Louis a distant memory.

"Oh." He swallowed the lump in his throat and began washing up just so he could do something and keep busy. He wanted to cry and cry and never stop crying for his Louis but he couldn't because what was the point? He stopped himself from saying 'why her and not me?' and avoided Louis' eyes.

Louis was silent after that and Harry thought that was the end of the conversation. It wasn't.

"Where's Eleanor?" Louis repeated but with such a childlike innocence that Harry couldn't help but feel a twinge of love in his heart. He was never angry at Louis even if he said things more than once. He wasn't ever tired of explaining.

"She's with her Mum," he said again as he picked up a few dishes and placed them in the sink.

"I miss her," the blue eyed boy spoke wistfully as he sighed. "When can I see her?"

Conversations like this broke his heart. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know the right answer. How could he tell Louis that Eleanor probably didn't even remember him and that she was with someone else?

"Very soon, Louis," Harry lied, knowing he would forget anyway.

"Okay," the older boy said happily, standing up and joining his boyfriend at the sink.

"I'll wash and you can dry. Is that okay?" Harry proposed, smiling at Louis.

"Yes." He picked up a dishcloth and carefully dried the glasses and plates the younger boy handed him.

After they were finished, he said he wanted to go upstairs and read and Harry said he would check on him in a few minutes.

He looked at the dish rack and sighed heavily.

Louis had put everything the wrong way round.

*

Two years ago.

"Why didn't you pick up the cake?" Harry raged as he paced up and down the room. Louis had one lousy job and he couldn't even do that.

"Harry, I don't know," Louis pleaded, his blue eyes vulnerable and his bottom lip quivering under his boyfriend's gaze.

"It's your mum's birthday and there's no cake. All you had to do was pick it up! We've been planning this for months, Lou!" The younger man ignored what he'd said and continued to rant; stopping just before Louis' feet, standing over him and making him feel small.

"I'm sorry, Hazza. I forgot!" Louis spoke as he tried to make Harry understand. He honestly didn't remember that he had to pick the cake up. He'd been forgetting a lot lately.

"What do you mean? We've been sorting this out for months!" Harry shouted, his cheeks red with anger. He wanted Louis' mum's birthday to be special so that he could repay her for taking him in and accepting him as one of their own for so many years.

"I've already apologised, Harry. What more do you want?" Louis snapped as he folded his arms. He didn't dare admit that he'd also forgotten that it was her birthday. He'd been forgetting a lot in the past few months and it was worrying him.

"I don't know..," the younger boy sighed as he sat down, noticing the pained look in his boyfriend's eyes. "What's going on, Boo?"

Louis just shrugged, unsure of what to say.

"You've been forgetting a lot these past few days, what's going on?" Harry asked gently, putting a hand on the small of his boyfriend's back.

"I-I don't know," Louis' voice cracked mid-sentence and tears welled in his blue eyes.

"Hey, it's okay," Harry pulled the older boy into his chest where he buried his face into his hair, rubbing his back slowly. He repeatedly kissed the top of Louis' head as fear pooled in his stomach.

"I'm sorry," Louis cried, grasping Harry's shirt tightly.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'll make you an appointment with the doctor and everything will be fine, alright? Please don't cry," Harry soothed, running his long fingers through Louis' hair, a gesture that calmed his boyfriend down almost instantly.

"Yeah, o-okay," Louis hiccupped, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Harry managed a small smile but something was growing in the pit of his stomach. He was terrified and after everything they'd been through, he couldn't lose Louis, not again.

*

Harry lay in bed next to his sleeping boyfriend whose light snores almost made it feel like the old days. Louis was Louis when he was asleep, all curled up and calm, but he wasn't himself when he was conscious. He didn't know who he was and most of the time, he didn't know who Harry was which broke the younger man more times than he cared to remember. Ever since the diagnosis, he'd died over a thousand deaths because he knew Louis didn't love him like before.

He glanced over at his long-term partner, curled up and peaceful, and brushed some hair away from his face, smiling fondly.

"Louis..." Harry whispered into the darkness, tears forming before he hastily wiped them away. Crying didn't do anyone any good.

"Mhm," Louis stretched a little and searched for his boyfriend's hand under the covers. He grasped it tightly and shuffled closer to Harry, leaning his head on his chest.

Harry swallowed hard and tentatively stroked Louis' hair, not wanting to ruin everything by waking him up, before relaxing as he felt the older boy smile against his chest. He allowed himself to fall asleep with his hand around Louis protectively.

Moments like this were hard to come by and the younger boy committed it to memory for the hard days which were becoming harder and harder to bear.

*

Weeks passed and Harry grew tired. It was the same thing day in day out and it was driving him insane. He wanted some alone time but was scared of what Louis might do - he lost concentration so quickly. There was nobody else that Harry trusted enough to look after his boyfriend so he was on his own. No matter how tired he got, he carried on for Louis' sake.

It was their twelfth anniversary and Louis didn't remember (not that Harry thought he would). He carried on doing his usual things until eleven o'clock that evening when he sat down next to Harry who was trying not to cry.

"I feel like there's something special about today. I feel as if I'm missing something," Louis spoke quietly, playing with his hands. "Am I?"

Harry didn't answer straight away; he was too busy staring at Louis like he'd grown two heads. He beamed, "you remember?"

The older man sighed, "I don't know, it feels...different."

"Lou, it is!" Harry wrapped his arms around him tightly, kissing the top of his head.

"Want to tell me what it is?" Louis laughed, a sound so rare that it made his boyfriend widen his eyes slightly and grin like he used to. It was a good day for Lou today.

"We've been together for twelve years, today." He explained, taking hold of Louis' hand and kissing it gently. The cogs turned in Louis' head and it clicked, causing confusion in his boyfriend as he stood up abruptly, looking down at Harry sadly. "What?"

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, tears forming in his eyes.

"Hey, what is it?" Harry tentatively wrapped his arms around Louis' neck and held him in the middle of the living room, smoothing his hair down.

"I want to remember Haz, I just can't. I'm sorry; you deserve someone so much better than me... I'm sorry," he whispered over and over again until Harry pressed his lips against his, winding his hands in his hair and pressing against his body.

"I love you," Harry said against his lips. "I love you just the same as I did all those years ago and I wouldn't change you, sweetheart. I love you so much."

Louis remained silent and put his hands on Harry's hips, smiling. "Tell me about it. How did we get together?"

"Oh, that's a very long story," Harry laughed.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Harry grinned and they sat down, holding each other's hands. "We were in a band, you know? One Direction, we were called. We were friends and god; I just fell in love with you. It was my own little secret but I think everybody, apart from you, knew. We were inseparable and all I wanted was for you to tell me that you needed me the way I needed you," Harry smiled softly at Louis who was listening intently.

"Why did you stop?" He whined, frowning.

"No reason," Harry shook his head, not telling Louis that he stopped to look at him because he was beautiful. Even with tired eyes and light wrinkles, Louis was still so beautiful. "We were alone together and you were nervous and wouldn't stop babbling on. I stopped you and asked you why you were acting so strange but you didn't say anything for a while. You asked me what I would do if I was in love with my best friend and I said that I would tell them even though I didn't tell you. My heart sank at the thought of you being in love with someone else.

"You looked me straight in the eye and said: "Harry, I'm in love with you" and you kissed me before I could even reply! And the rest, as you know, is history," Harry grinned.

Louis didn't say anything but that was okay because Harry knew to always prepare for the worst. "I think I'm going to go to bed, I'm tired."

He walked off and Harry hung his head, sighing heavily. He wasn't mad, though. He was grateful for that little part of Louis that he got back, even if it was for a few minutes. He went to join Louis upstairs and as he stripped and got ready, Louis came up behind him. He felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around, mildly surprised at the proximity.

"Can I..?" Louis leant forward but shook his head and bit his lower lip, standing straight again.

"What is it, love?" Harry asked, caressing his cheek gently.

"Can I kiss you?" He mumbled, looking down and waiting.

The younger boy raised his eyebrows, amused by Louis' embarrassment and nodded, "I'd like that."

Louis bit down on his lower lip before leaning forward gingerly, lightly touching Harry's lips with his own. He swallowed hard and kissed Harry shyly, moving his hand so that it rested on his boyfriend's shoulder. Harry kissed back but didn't push Louis further out of his comfort zone. Both men pulled away and Louis' cheeks were pink as he smiled softly.

"Come on," Harry pulled him towards the bed and they both got in, not touching each other yet.

"Thank you," Louis whispered, resting his head on Harry's chest.

They both closed their eyes and for once, Harry fell asleep comforted with the thought that Louis knew how much he loved him.

*

Harry wasn't prepared for Louis' death. He had this stupid idea that they could outrun the Grim Reaper and live together for longer but dreams were no longer granted. A few friends he'd accumulated over the years helped him with the organisation of everything and as he got dressed in the morning, a few tears escaped down his face but he wiped them away. When they were both significantly younger, Louis made Harry promise that he would never cry because "beautiful eyes shouldn't cry." God, he could hear Louis' voice in his head as clear as day.

He sighed and went through the motions, not really wanting to believe that this was the end. He refused to acknowledge that Louis wasn't going to be there anymore and in fact, he half expected the man to pop up out of nowhere and laugh at everyone for being so serious.

That wasn't the case, though.

They all attended the funeral. All members of One Direction were finally together after god-knows how long and Harry couldn't say he was all that pleased. After the band's breakup during their late twenties the fan base had diminished and the hype died down. They weren't the world's biggest boy band anymore which suited Harry and Louis just fine. He couldn't speak for the others, he hardly saw them. His breath caught in his throat when he saw Zayn, Niall and Liam, their eyes red-rimmed and their smiles laced with grief and sympathy and regret. Zayn walked over, silver hair gleaming (he'd lost the need to stay young somewhere in his forties) and put his arms around Harry.

"I'm so sorry, Hazza. I'm sorry," was all he whispered before letting go and wiping his eyes. The other men joined him and words of sympathy tumbled out of their mouths but Harry wasn't interested. He didn't want to hear it.

"Just stop it, okay? Stop it," he whispered, turning on his heel and going to join Louis' sisters who began to cry in his arms while Harry murmured words of comfort. He stroked the younger woman's hair and muttered an "I know, I know," while hugging her tightly.

The service was something Louis would have liked. It was sombre but all his favourite songs played and the priest said sincere things about him. It was Harry's turn to give a eulogy. He'd spent days trying to come up with something that summed up how he felt but words didn't seem to justify it. Nevertheless, he tried.

"I remember the day I met him in boot camp. His eyes were wide and his hair was messy because he was so nervous that he just couldn't stop running his hands through it. I wanted to shave his hair off there and then," that earned a few sad chuckles, "when we got told that we were going to be One Direction, I saw the look on his face. He was elated and he looked so beautiful and that was when I realised that I wanted to see his face for the rest of my life. He never had a bad word to say about anyone and he was so kind, just so kind. I wanted to give him the world and then some and I like to think that I did. God knows how much I risked for that man but I don't regret one bit of it. He gave me everything I wanted and he was always there for me. All the bad times we had don't matter because I would do it all a thousand times over if it meant I could see his face again."

Tears cascaded down Harry's cheeks but he swatted them away hastily, swallowing hard as he tried to get more words out.

"Louis was my life. I loved him," Harry paused for a second before continuing, "I love him and even if I lost him during these past few years, I made sure he always came back to me. I know he's in a better place now and I know he loves me. I know because even if he didn't remember who I was, he always came back."

Harry stepped down and felt the ground swimming under his feet. He went to his seat shakily and wanted nothing more than for Louis to hold him and to tell him everything was going to be okay.

*

The rest of the service was a blur. It went by quickly and before he knew it, he was standing outside the church telling the others to go onto the wake without him, he'd catch up he promised. Zayn, Niall and Liam approached him cautiously and Niall opened his mouth to speak but Harry cut him off.

"Look, I don't know why you guys are here. I didn't invite you nor do I want you here so why don't you just fuck off?" His terse voice was not his own and it sounded so different to his ears but the words were out before he could stop them.

"Hey, Louis was our friend too!" Liam defended.

"No, he wasn't. You forgot all about him, at least he had an excuse," Harry spat.

"Come on, Harry..."

"No, don't you dare! You weren't there when he forgot how to go to the bathroom or when he nearly set the house on fire or when he forgot who I was! You weren't there when I needed help or when he needed it or when he cried himself to sleep every single night. Do you know who was there?" His voice cracked and broke at each word but he couldn't stop talking. This was years of resent and hatred towards his so-called friends spewing out. "I was there! I held his hand when he got diagnosed, when he tried to kill himself, when he had nightmares. I was there. So don't you dare try to say you cared because you left me on my own.

"You left him and it broke him. It broke me. I needed you guys a-and I need Louis but he's gone and I don't know what to do. What do I do?" Harry's eyes pooled with unshed tears and he couldn't take it anymore. He broke down and sank to his knees, sobbing into his hands, not realising that the other men joined him on the muddy ground, pulling Harry's thin body to theirs.

"I miss him so much," he cried into their arms, welcoming their familiar touches and scents. "I don't want to be without him."

"I know, Harry. I'm sorry," Niall said softly, kissing the top of his curls, a few tears falling.

"I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to cope anymore," Harry lifted his head and stared at them with sad eyes.

"It'll get easier, Haz." Zayn comforted, giving him an encouraging smile, "he's not hurting anymore."

"I know," Harry whispered but inside, he felt so empty.

"We'll help you, Harry," Liam promised, squeezing his arm. "I know we weren't there for you before but I swear to god, we're going to be here for you now."

"If you'll have us," Niall piped up.

"Yeah, of course." And with that, all the years of not talking disappeared as Harry welcomed his friends back into his life.

"But first, I think we should get off the mud," Zayn suggested, looking down wearily.

Harry laughed sadly and wiped his tears before getting up, still standing close to them. "Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not speaking to you and for leaving the band and for being so shit."

"We're sorry, too. I wish I was there for you two," Niall confessed, shaking his head. Harry just nodded before gesturing to his car.

"Shall we go to this wake, then? Give Louis the send off he deserves?"

"Yeah, I think we should."


End file.
